The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You Might Also Like
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.