Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
We are the people our parents warned us about.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
we all know this pain all too well
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor