judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
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You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
We found love in a hopeless place.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you