One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you