A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
You Might Also Like
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’m sorry…what?