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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
They’re on their honeymoon
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.