sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!