Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
This is not me but this is me
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.