Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Easy enough.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
the last thing a carrot sees
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.