“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
concern
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats