*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
not seeing the problem
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder