ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.