I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The Compass
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely