A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
anyone else like Italian cereal
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear