4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Traveler’s camo
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If a snake ate a cake
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack