I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.