@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.