ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls