“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
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The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda