If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?