“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.