(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
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I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
😎 🍻
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.