Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.