“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.