villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Herpes is trending, good job people
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.