My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
#StillHurts
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal