Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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I love art.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Goodnight 🐶
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.