People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
mathematically impossible
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*