You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.