My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Knock Knock
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice