Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it