For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Not my job 😂
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.