When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on