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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.