I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Monday
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
When you kidnap a writer.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host