ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Is your wife single?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges