Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Trumpy Cat
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
me irl
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.