seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible