[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?