No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?