[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.