My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT