I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Kermit goes Blue.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.