why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for