*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
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I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Flowers bee like
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The first one, obviously
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him