People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Lol.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My Sentiments Exactly
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS