Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”