God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm