So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Oh no
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.