[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?